The great heat wave of 2006…

Well, to say it’s been hot here in Northern California would be, as they say in the business, a slight understatement. We’ve had a record breaking 10-days straight of plus-90 degree temperatures in the South Bay. After living in North Carolina and growing up in Texas this seemed a bit tame at first, but after persisting and then wilting through the period sans air conditioner, I learned quickly what the word “sweltering” truly meant.

Oh, the wife and I were brave at first. Upon arriving at our new home we pledged to be true Bay Area-ians and refrained from the useless purchase of an ac unit for the new house. All along we were told “you’ll have two bad weeks of temps around 90, but the rest of the year you’ll be comfortable without having to fall back on any technology superior than a ceiling fan or two.” So we easily bought into it. We fell in love with the house we are in now — ac or not. But then day four of ten...

I hadn’t slept well (surprise there) for those four days. The wife was suffering from a horrendous summer cold and I was waking before 6 a.m. every morning drenched in a hot sweat. We both were becoming more and more cranky as the hot days passed and Bob the Cat was becoming more like Bob the Slug.

It was a Friday morning and I had tried every conceivable combination of open windows, open doors and floor fan placement trying to get a breeze into the bedroom to no avail. After moving outside onto one of the patio chairs for an hour to cool off, I managed to not only watch the sun rise, but also the temperature rise. The air outside quickly went from 85-ish to more like 90-ish. The breeze, gentle earlier on, died completely. I found myself sticking to the patio chair in a way that made me think of old Warner Bros. characters who pulled themselves like Velcro off of hot items. Hot became hot. On top of that, a new beast began to invade Northern California: humidity.

So that night after work, I drove over to our friendly neighborhood Fry’s Electronics to price portable air conditioners. When I first arrived there were about 75 units waiting in the front aisles, calling out to every shopper, “buy me … I’ll make you cooooooollller.” People flocked to them in a type of hypnotic trance.

My trance was broken by sticker shock — $399 for the cheapest version — and the fact that they were mostly manufactured by a company I’d never heard of. So, I rushed outside to call the wife and report that by the great power of supply and demand, prices had skyrocketed (in a moment of weakness earlier this summer we had priced them online and found them for just under $200). After twenty minutes of haggling with the wife, we decided that the purchase was necessary for our sanity. So I went back in. The 75 units were now down to a mere 30. Yes, they were selling like hotcakes.

However, I was unafraid. I turned to a salesman who knew nothing about anything and started asking questions. He gave me a brochure and tried to read to me what was on the side of the box as if it were written in a language I didn’t understand. I told him I could indeed read English and asked if he could provide any additional information. He could not. Twenty minutes later there were only 20 units left. I freaked. People were grabbing two at a time. It was as if air conditioners were the hottest new toy at Christmastime.

So I ran to the front of the store, procured a shopping cart, raced back to the aisle of cool and grabbed one of the cheapest brands left. I then made for the front counter where a line of hundreds snaked through in rows that reminded me of the wait you see at the hottest roller coaster at Six Flags. Forty-five minutes later, I made the $400 purchase and began to push out to the car. Looking back I saw only two units left on the floor. In an hour and a half, Frys had moved 73 units. In case you’re doing the math — and you should because I can’t (turn to the calculator) — that’s $30,000 if you say they were all the cheap ones. And they weren’t. The most expensive one was $699.

So tonight it finally began to cool off. Tonight we decided to open the windows and try to live in our entire house and not just the air-conditioned back bedroom. So far, so good. There is a nice sea breeze blowing and I’m not “Sweating to the Oldies” like Richard Simmons. All in all, it was $400 for five good nights of sleep. That’s $80 a night. A good investment if you ask me. A couple of friends have spent money on hotels. Some might call that smart, not investing too much in an expensive unit. But I hear there’s another heat wave coming next week. This time, we’ll be prepared.